To be quite frank (and I’m about to get really, really frank), I did need to take a moment to sit back and evaluate my recent life decisions after I googled “hairy buttholes” just now (it was for research purposes, promise).
But I digress… Let’s get to the point:
Guys and gals, if you’ve got an arsehole, you’ve got hair around it. Simple as.
Sure, for some it’s just a little bit of peach fuzz, but for others we’re talking full-on chewbacca town.
Maybe hair back there isn’t in keeping with your personal aesthetics; the good news is that it’s not hard to get rid of, and it’s also perfectly safe to do so.
If you’ve spent all this time wondering how to get rid of butt hair, rest easy. You’re about to find out.
Butthole Hair: Why do we Have It?
Back in our monkey man days, we needed hair to protect certain body parts from infection or to keep us warm (or, rather disturbingly, to allow our extra special body smells to stew so that we could attract a suitable mate).
Not so much anymore, thanks to things like Tinder, central heating, pressurised showers, and thermal underwear.
The thing is, evolution doesn’t seem to have got the memo.
A generation of frantic millennials searching for ways to rid themselves of bum fluff, and resorting to frankly ridiculous measures:
“Most recently I would just grab the hair with toilet paper and tear it out, but obviously there's still a bunch there. How the hell do I deforest my ass crack?” (-Reddit user)
The good news is there’s a whole world of hair removal for men, including ways to remove ass hair that have nothing to do with ‘ripping it out with toilet paper’, tape, or Bic lighters (honestly, if you think you’re clueless just go read some of these real-life stories).
Manscaping the Enchanted Valley: Ass Hair Removal 101
Here’s the truth of the matter:
If you’re considering getting to grips with your butthole mohawk, that puts you among an increasingly high percentage of guys who are doing the same.
While this is something that many of our female friends have successfully been squaring away for quite a while now (yes- shock horror- women have buttock hair too), it can be a sight harder for us men to deal with for the simple fact that we don’t talk about it very often.
So to set the record straight, here are the facts:
My Arse Looks Like an Angora Sweater: Should I Shave my Butt??
When it comes to removing your bum beard, there are several options; this article is going to focus solely on the at-home methods (which are preferable in terms of cost and convenience...and dignity, in some cases).
Methods vary based on a few different factors, so base your judgement on the following:
- Length of results
Each method has its own merits (and drawbacks), so figure out which factors you value the most, and weigh up your options from there.
Without further ado:
How to Remove Hair from Your Butt: 5 Fail Safe At-Home Methods
An age old favorite thanks to its simplicity, speed, and cost.
There are some important things to note. Pen and paper time…
Here’s how to shave your butt:
You’ll need a sharp razor and some kind of lube, for starters. Depending on your confidence level and flexibility, you might want to add a mirror to the mix as well.
Razor-wise, I’d recommend steering clear of the super close 4-5 blade variety and sticking with a 2 or 3 blade disposable, something like the Gillette Mach 3 (extra points for the sensitive version which has a lubri-strip to help prevent irritation in your enchanted valley).
When it comes to the lather, do not use soap; it will dry out your skin and make the aftermath extremely itchy.
Opt instead for a moisturizing lather with natural ingredients, something like Pacific Shaving’s organic aloe and shea butter shave cream or if you’re on a tight budget Aveeno’s Moisturizing Shave Gel works great too.
Wondering how to shave your asshair without any irritation?
All there is to it is to lather up with warm water, and move the blade slowly around the area. Keep the blade well-rinsed, as often as after every stroke if you are really hairy (this will prevent the razor from getting clogged and causing unnecessary friction on your skin).
All going well, you’ll have a shaved ass in no time, and hopefully you won’t have resorted to hiring a stranger on the internet to come to your house and do the deed for you.The downside is that regrowth is quick and tends to be rather itchy. Ever heard the phrase “rough as a badger’s arsehole”? Well, that badger probably shaved.
If your goal isn’t to shave the whole damn thing bald, but rather just to clean the area up a bit, trimmers are the way forward.
The best part about trimmers?
The blade is protected by a foil or guard of some sort, which means it never comes into direct contact with your skin. This means you won’t suffer the same irritation and itchiness you would with a normal razor.
It’s a good idea to use a trimmer with a slight curve to it, which makes trimming contours a shade easier. The Philips Norelco Bodygroom gets my vote thanks to its pivoting head and rounded blades (perfect for avoiding cuts).
How to trim butt hair expert tip: Don’t use any cream if you go down the trimming route; it’ll only serve to clog up the head.
And if you’re still wondering about the, erm… logistics. In the immortal words of one Reddit user: “Barstool in front of mirror. Sit on it and spread eagle.”
- Great for keeping the whole area “maintained” and groomed
- Prevents irritation
- Reduced chance of itchy regrowth and ingrown hairs… and trust me, an ingrown hair on your buttock is not something you want to experience.
- Not possible to go totally bald- if that’s what you’re hoping for.
If you’re wondering how to get rid of ass hair long-term: waxing is the way to go.
Let me first start by saying: waxing ass hair is neither as difficult nor as painful as you probably think it’s going to be. Truly, I promise.
This process can be done very quickly and easily with pre prepared hard wax strips like the Nads for Men body waxing strips. You’ll just need to rub the strips between your hands (vigorously) to heat the wax, then slap it on that crack, smooth it down….and pull- fast.
Once you get the hang of the angle, you’ll find that anal waxing is actually a piece of pie.
The other option, hot wax, requires a little bit more technical skill but generally garners better results if you are super hairy back there. The thing is, it’s going to be a sight harder to do yourself than the wax strips. If you’ve got a significant other who’s into...you know… pushing boundaries, then that’s probably the way to go.
Save yourself the hassle of trying to gather up all the ingredients for the hot wax one by one and invest in an all-in-one hot wax kit.
Follow the instructions, and you’ll have yourself a freshly waxed butt in no time.
Expert tip: if you find that your post-wax crack is actually a little too smooth (i.e. chafing), slap some baby powder on to absorb any moisture.
4. Depilatory cream
Depilatory creams, or hair removal creams as they are more commonly called, are something you’ll either love or hate.
Personally, I’m always pleased with the results when I use them, but man alive do I make a mess in the process.
Well, if you wanna make an omelette you gotta break some eggs as they say.
At least I learned some valuable things along the way. Let me impart some wisdom:
Use a product that is specifically designed for use on sensitive skin/pubic hairs. They are concocted in such a way that they will be kinder to your skin but won’t compensate any strength when it comes to hair removal- and when it works, you’ll remove all hairs in just a few minutes.
It can be tricky to find a sensitive formula targeted for guys, but Nad’s for Men works well every time I’ve used it, and if you don’t mind the pink bottle, Veet’s Sensitive formula is a crowd favorite (plus it’s got a pump head meaning less mess).
Apart from making sure there isn’t any residue from last night’s Indian down there, it can actually be better not to wash before you use this cream because your body’s natural oils will help protect your skin from the harsh chemicals.
When you apply it, be careful with the placement. Don’t want that stuff going for a swim up the channel.
Only leave the cream on for the recommended length of time. No more. No. More. (I warned you!)
One last warning:
Successful use of this product may lead you to produce more audible farts. #justsaying
Long lasting results, little to no technical skill, total hair removal. YASSSS!!!
...just be prepared for some serious yoga stretching and a few minutes of ouch.
Epilators work by pulling your hair out from the root using tiny tweezer-like mechanisms. They are electric powered, and generally require very little technical skill to get right.
On areas like your arms and legs, they’re a walk in the park. Back there? Might be a little trickier.
However, if you’re looking for results that last as long as waxing but you aren’t confident you’ll be able to manage waxing yourself just yet, epilators are a great option.
This male-specific model from Emjoi is what I use, and I’ve always had great success with it (top tip: put it on the highest speed setting; it’ll actually hurt less).
What’s the Bottom (lol) Line?
If you’ve been wondering how to remove butt hair, well, you should now know the ins and outs of it.
What it comes down to is really whichever factors you value more: cost, convenience, comfort, and length of results. Whichever method you pick will reflect your valuation of those categories.
All that’s left next is to follow my tips, equip yourself with the right kit, and your bum will be in La-La-Land before you can say Ryan Gosling.
Happy hair removal!